Thursday, December 16, 2004

Canada: Nuke Here First

Canada has decided that it will not contribute either money or land for the US anti-missile defense shield, citing amongst other reasons, the shield is not 100% effective. Canada has also decided that it will give serious ear to the sissy deserters seeking refuge from their legal obligations to the US military.

Deep within my fertile bunny imagination I see this scene in a few years:

[Scene: White House situation room in the near future where various generals and National Security Advisors are dealing with, um, a situation.]

SecDef Rummy: Mr. President, Canada is on the phone.

President Bush: I'm busy. Tell them they said they wanted the UN in their country they're gonna have to stick to the deal, no weasling out!

SecDef: It's about the missiles Mr. President.

Bush: Oh, all right.


(Picks up phone)

Bush: Hello, Paul.

Yes Paul, that was, Rummy.


No, no, that's just a nickname. It's a pun-ification of his name.

(Bush waggles his extended thumb and pinky finger to make the "drinky-drinky" motion to Rumsfeld then shrugs. Rumsfeld rolls eyes.)

Yes Paul, we see the missiles, we've been tracking them for the last 10 minutes. This is the United States you know, we see everything. It's part of that "hyper-power" thing we got going on over here.

Yes, that's right, we're tracking in-bounds for LA, DC, New York and Toronto.

Stop crying Paul, I don't know why the Iranians would want to nuke Toronto. Why would muzz-lims want to pick on the Dutch? I mean, my God, can you think of a bigger bunch of panty-waists than the Dutch? Who could they possibly pose a threat to but that poor Theo van Gogh fella was done in anyway.

What's that? You want to know if we could activate our missile defense shield to help knock down the missiles? Well, geez Paul, you weren't very keen on the idea a few years ago and it's kinda outta the way for us, seeing as we weren't allowed to base any of the rockets on Canadian territory.

Okay, okay apology accepted you big lug.


Yes, I understand you had domestic environmentalist concerns.

No, I was not aware that the mating habits of caribou could be so easily disturbed, although if you're into watching that sort of thing I'd think the Playboy Channel would be more entertaining.

What's that? Can't budget for cable TV until next year?


Yeah, I imagine socialized medicine does get pretty expensive after a while. But hey Paul, speaking of environmentalist whackos and socialists I have to get back to saving LA, DC and New York. Sure they're a bunch of ungrateful blue-staters but deep down inside you gotta love 'em. I mean, that Maureen Dowd really cracks me up when she gets to frothin' at the mouth like that. That sorta stuff just parodies itself!

Paul, you're crying again. It's only Toronto, for God's sake! Don't you have a military of your own?

Socialized medicine again, huh? Well, than you should have plenty of band-aids for the aftermath.

What?

Uh huh. Go on.

Oh, I see--you figured you wouldn't really need a military because the US would always be there to bail you out. Isn't that called "taking your friends for granted?"

You learned it from the French?

Yes, I know you have a lot of them up there. Jeb is always telling me how they go down to Florida to vacation. It seems they don't drive very well and they tip their waitresses even worse. Still, you must have something resembling a military, don't you?

Full of deserters, huh? Well, you're the one who invited 'em all! Where are they going to run? Who's north of you?

Snuck out of camp dressed as caribou, did they? That's a downright shame, Paul. But you said the shield would never work.

Take what you can get? Yeah, they are better than nothing in a pinch like this I suppose. I mean heck, I'd stand out on the White House lawn with a hunting rifle if I thought it would help.

Already tried that?

But it was a BB-gun?

Only thing left that was still legal, eh?

(Covers phone and talks to SecDef)

I said, "eh" just like one of them. Heh-heh. And they make fun of how Texans talk! Boy howdy, that's funny.

(Back on phone)

Okay Paul, we'll see if we have a couple of rockets left over when we're done, but they do get rather expensive.

Better late than never I suppose. We'll be happy to have you chip in.

No, I won't take a check; and no, I will not call you Mr. Martin.


What?

I don't care if your mom does watch you on TV. Goodbye...Paul.

UPDATE: Powerline notes that despite the near-gleeful early eulogy for the defense shield, it failed to be a failure.

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